bro coded-ness

so, there i was on facebook (as u do) and i remembered my good friend "puffy". This guy inspires me to write more and more... I mean, look, he's a good friend and all but me coming on here to (almost) imortally proclaim my homie as a "good" "writer" is kinda asking for trouble (yeah...he has a big head already...this is just gonna make beer night ever worse).
Any way...the moral of my little ditty here is that i wana upload a beaut of a write up i saw recently. Its called "THE OFFICIAL WINGMAN TRAINING MANUAL" and has little rules of how to be there for you hombre in thier times of need.
Just read it ok?

FLIGHT SIMULATION: THE OFFICIAL WINGMAN TRAINING MANUAL


Teamwork is essential when trolling for ladies, but you’re only as strong as your partnership. And out on the prowl, things can get nasty. Friends who aren’t on the same page split up and get outgunned, they target the wrong girls… or worse, they target the same girl.
So it’s time to ask yourself: what kind of friend are you? Would you lie like a rug, fight like a man, and willingly take home a clock-stopper for the sake of a pal? All in the same evening? Would you manage an embarrassingly sad night with a man looking woman just to help a buddy get in there with her friend? The following rules will guide you through most situations a pair of partners (or even instant allies) are likely to encounter in the field. Read them. Know them. Live them. It’d be a shame if you got grounded, soldier!


DUTY #1

WIPE HIS BEER GOGGLES

If he takes her home, he’s gonna blame you ── so make like Jiminy Cricket and be his consience.

Situation: Is he rip-roaring drunk? Sad clown morose? On the lam after years in a men-only prison barge? Who knows? The dangerous thing is that his judgment of the fairer sex is way, way off. It’s bad enough the girl he’s scamming sports circus-tent underwear, but all his pro boner work for the not so cute Foundation is killing any shot he has had at the "whoop whoop" worthy babes…and what's worse is that he's bringing you right down the evolutionary ladder with him.

Your mission: Saving your pal from scoring with the "wrong" target is one of a wingman’s primary functions, so you must advise in the strongest possible terms against unsavory engagements. If he brushes aside your vigorous objection in front of at least one witness, you are officially relieved of your wingman responsibilities. But if it’s an encounter you’re 100 percent certain your pal will later regret, frag him with a smart bomb: “Hey, [insert friend's name here]. Tell her about your white cell blood count.” or "has that itching in your pants stopped yet?" and make sure she's very close by.


DUTY #2

BACK UP HIS LIES

Misinformation is powerful social ammunition…Bombs away!

Situation: Your buddy is pinned deep behind enemy lies…er… lines, and now he’s trying to upgrade his McJob status with a string of whoopers ─ with extra cheese. The girls are skeptical. After all, it’s not everyday that two nice girls meet a billionaire Ferrari test driver who also wrote the screenplay for Gladiator.

The mission: Support his cockamamie story as if your life depended on it ─ no lie is too big or too asinine when two experienced soldiers are shoveling together. Did he just “confess” his nickname in college was King Dong? Time to tell the ladies how Miramax called about having him play the lead role in their upcoming John Holmes biopic. Is he claiming he invented the question mark? Explain what a pain those five-cent royalty checks are to cash. Feel free to steal yourself a piece of his fame (“He only tests the concept car models I design”), but no matter how bizarre the crap coming out of his mouth is, always stay in formation and never leave your pal hanging; if he goes down in flames, so do you. So keep one hand clenched on the rip cord (“But enough about us. What do you girls do?”) in case his fortress of fabrication begins to crumble.

DUTY #3

FALL ON A GRENADE

War ain’t pretty, and neither is “the friend”? This is your mission.

Situation: Your gunner has successfully engaged a sexy MIG (mighty interesting girl) at the bar. But danger lurks in the form of her booty-faced Klingon co-pilot, a bitter she-ape who’ll do or say anything to disrupt his flight plan. Remember, wingmen: if you’re not with him, you’re against him.

The mission: Once a pilot locks onto a MIG encumbered in this fashion, it’s up to his wingman to engage the bogey and remove her from the theater of operation. Feigning interest ─ buying her drinks, laughing at her stupid jokes, offering to read her hoof ─ may suffice to pull her aside, but if necessary, the wingman should be prepared to take her "all the way" (otherwise known as trekking the Ho She Man Trail). If you find yourself saddled, literally, with such a mission, simply close your eyes, suit up (a biohazard suit is recommended), and take it like a man. Needless to say, the pal benefiting from this sacrifice must keep his wingman’s awful secret until death; he also owes his suffering friend one beer for every one-to-10 point of attractiveness separating his beauty from your beast.

DUTY #4

BACK HIM UP IN A BRAWL

All’s fair in love and bar fighting ─ so where the hell were you?

Situation: You return from a well-deserved trip to the little boys’ room only to find your co-pilot in a Karate Kid crane stance, a broken half of a pool cue in each hand, surrounded by goons the size of Andrea the giant. “I’m warning all you punks!” he screams louder than Genevieve in one of her angrier scenes, “I’m a third-degree black belt in karaoke.”

Your mission: Your primary duty is to protect both your asses, but if diplomacy fails, you might have to engage. How your alcohol soaked pal got himself into this predicament makes no difference; the Wingman Code of Honor is crystal-clear. For single combat, the rule of thumb is: Same height, let ‘em fight; bad guy bigger, pull the trigger (uh, for you trigger happy psychos, I mean jump in and fight, not shoot him). Six of them and one of him? You’re duty-bound to stand by your pal, even if it means getting your ass kicked six ways to Sunday. (However, if his earlier dumbass behavior fully warranted this beating and this is the fourth beat-down you’ve saved his ass from this week, you don’t have to rush right in: Go ahead and finish your beer.)

DUTY #5

KEEP HIM CORRUPT

Love is wonderful...but not when it interferes with decadence duty.

Situation: Your former partner in crime has gone AWOL. Whether he’s brokenhearted and won’t engage or his new warden/ wife or girlfriend has him in a chokehold, he’s stepped off the crazy train and is at severe risk of puncturing himself in a knitting accident. As his good friend, he hopes you’ll understand. You won’t.

Your mission: This is a DEFCON 3 situation: You’ve got to bring your partner back into the fold as soon as possible or he’ll never be in a position to do the same for you. Tailor your plan to fit his malfunction. Broken heart? Bombard his office with nightclub fliers, organize a field trip with the guys, and get him hooked up at all costs…even if you have to spring for the, er, entertainment. Whipped? Use any pretext to get him out on the town with you ─ and once he’s there, hide the keys, pony up on the shots, and get his little kamikaze pilot so drunk he won’t know Sarah Jessica Parker from Mr. Ed. Help him remember what life’s all about. Note: In no case should a wingman wait more than three months before mounting a rescue, and once the target has been acquired, watch out for pathetic attempts to slink out early. Remember, your partner’s not in his right mind, and you’re perfectly within your rights to block his retreat by tying his sissy ass down.

DUTY #6

GET HIM HOME ALIVE

It’s all fun and games until your buddy wakes up in jail.

Situation: Your co-pilot is out of control ─ he’s about to do the unthinkable with the "entertainment" at his bachelor party right in front of his future brother-in-law, or he’s gone overboard and wants to relieve himself into open police car windows. Either way, he’s about to be more screwed than the bolts holding down the eiffel tower.

Your mission: A wingman’s most sacred duty is to get his partner home in one piece, with body, mind, code of ethics, and arrest record intact. Of course you should tie his car keys to the back of his belt loop and throw the poor guy in the back of a cab after Joe’s, but that’s just the beginning. It’s your job to make sure he doesn’t do anything over the course of the evening that’s going to make him suicidally mortified ─ or divorced, or incarcerated, or dead ─ in the morning. When any of these loom large, the good wingman can and should resort to lying, bribery, guilt trips, a sucker punch, or a well-placed bitch-slap. (“Sorry, [insert friend's name here]. I’m doing this for your own good.”) Anything short of breaking the buddy code of silence is fair game; use your discretion. But whatever you do, soldier, never leave a man behind. That’s an order.

Puffy.


ok, so there you have it. words of wisdom if i ever heard them. Some bits may sound very familiar and others come straight outa "barney's book of bro coded-ness" (see how i met your mother) but you have to admit, as a guy...we need to have each others back...the women out number us and lets be honest, they sure know how to use our heads. So as he says, "Your primary duty is to protect both your asses" so get out there and score, score score.....

im outy